Lately, my feed has been full of posts about the mental load. And honestly, it’s been unsettling — not because the content is wrong, but because it mirrors the exact thoughts I’ve been having lately. It’s like the algorithm is reading my mind. Maybe that’s a conversation for another day. But right now, I want to talk about this mental load — how real it is, how long it’s been ignored, and what happens once you finally see it.
It’s Always Been This Way — But We’re Just Starting to Name It
The truth is, women have always carried it. The appointments, the reminders, the emotional labor, the logistics, the worrying, the endless background processing of everything. And for so long, it’s been invisible. Even to ourselves.
Yes, men have often helped with housework or child care. But traditionally, their primary role was to “provide” — to earn. That left everything else to us. Some men step in when they see us struggle. Some are willing to help when asked. But here’s the catch: even asking is work.
Most Men Don’t See It — Because They’ve Never Had To
Let’s be real: in patriarchal societies (and yes, most still are), boys don’t grow up watching their fathers carry the invisible burden. They see their moms doing everything, usually without complaint. And when they become men, they see their friends living the same way. Happy families, cheerful holidays, smiling wives. But they don’t see what happens behind the scenes.
They don’t see the resentment, the burnout, the quiet exhaustion. And when it finally spills over — when the woman becomes irritable, angry, withdrawn, “nagging” — she’s blamed. Or worse, she blames herself. What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this?
But maybe the question isn’t “what’s wrong with me?”
Maybe the question is “how long have I been carrying more than one person ever should?”
When You Finally Understand the Mental Load… Then What?
Here’s the part I’m stuck on.
What do you do once you finally see it? Once you’ve opened your eyes to the quiet injustice of it all, how do you go back? Do you sit your partner down with a three-page list of expectations? Do you issue KPIs for emotional labor?
Do you make him see that you’re not just tired — you’re unseen? That what you need isn’t a favor, but partnership?
And more importantly: why would he change?
If he grew up in a world where men didn’t have to carry this load, if all his friends live like that, if his life “works” for him — why would he choose to take on more?
The Hard Questions That Keep Me Up at Night
- What in our shared life would have to be so valuable that he would want to grow in this way?
• Would he even see it as growth — or just as me asking too much?
• If he does change, would I feel indebted? Would I feel I owe him more, now that he’s finally doing what I needed all along?
I don’t have the answers. Maybe no one does.
But I know this: the mental load is real. It is invisible. And it is exhausting.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Have you been here too?
If this resonates, I’d love to hear your story. Let’s make the invisible visible — not just for ourselves, but for every woman who’s still asking herself why she feels so tired all the time.